It's Those Hedgehogs Again...

Why do I keep thinking of hedgehogs? They're not even that cute. They don't really do much, so far as I know. Hell, what do I even know about hedgehogs? Not much. Hedgehogs are mentioned in the book Watership Down. It's one of the best books ever written. (Okay, so technically it's for kids, but I still love it.) And the hedgehogs in there are pretty cool. Calm, happy, nocturnal creatures. Eat slugs. Don't normally sing, but the hedgehog in this book did, to help the rabbit... well, I can't say. You'll have to read it yourself.

Mom took me to the Dayton's Flower Show one year. And they had a bunch of animals. One was a Norwegian Fjord (yes, they actually brought in a horse, it was awesome), and I also remember the hedgehog. I got to hold one. He was sleepy and cranky-looking, prickly and all the kiss-kiss sounds he got from people just made him crankier. Yep. Love at first sight. But I love all things fluffy. Or prickly?

Wow. Wonder where I'm going with this. Guess it's just nearly three-thirty and I don't want to sleep or think or move or eat or clean or 'hang' or 'chill' or whatever. Damn these nocturnal tendencies. (I normally looooove my sleep, but sometimes it's harder to catch than... umm.... uhhh..... a bear on a tricycle? I dunno. Fill in your own blanks.)

My head hurts. It's so quiet at home right now. Feel like I'm the only person alive in this world. And suddenly that doesn't seem so bad. It's pretty peaceful and quiet, actually. The girl who lives in the room directly above me back at the dorms has a very active sex-life. I don't know her or anything, but I sure do hear a lot of it.

Edward Scissorhands was on t.v. tonight. Just watched it the other day, but it was fun to see again. Now Edward Scissorhands is goth. The Crow is not.

*Sigh-yawn* So is this enough blither-blather? Hey, I know! I'm gonna write some more crappy poetry! Yay! Ha. A gothie's Saturday night? Of course I'm writing mournful poetry about lost loves. In blood. With the lights out. While contemplating death. Duh! *eye roll*

I Don't Write..

That's my problem.. I'm an english major, and I don't write anymore... ever since last September, my writing has changed, my opinion and feelings toward writing, my writing style... and, most of all, my will to write...

Blogging did help.. it helped with a lot of venting and feedback and struggling and warmups and even a few postings that I think really were good writing.... but all in all, I'm just not the writer that I was... but now I need to be again, and I'm really worried that I've forever lost what I so loved...

But worse than that... if I can't relearn how to write and how to enjoy it, well, what the fuck am I doing still as an english major?

And worse yet... the only teacher this semester that is teaching advanced writing, which I did sign up for, knowing that he is the only one teaching it, is a teacher that I can't stand... I can't... I just can't stand him.. we conflict so heavily upon our personal values in love and war and politics and writing that we just don't mesh personally.. and that's fine... ideally, that would not interfere with the educational process.... but ha! That is ideally, and not at all realistic... he looks down upon all of my ideas and suggestions in class because he and I share such polar ideas that he can't see the value in my input in class... and hey, that's fine, I just hate being made out to be an idiot in class when I'm not, and when my ideas are valid and based upon something more than simple opinion. This is not meant as an insult to my teacher. He is not intentionally doing anything other than his job. He is a good professer that many people respect and have learned a lot from... just not me... it happens to every teacher and every person on this planet.. it just sucks that it has to happen to me in a class that is important to my major... more than just important... fundamental...

Bah.

Wanna Know What's Really Cool?

Hedgehogs. Hedgehogs are really cool.

That and being sneaky. Really, really sneaky. Heheh. That is my little secret to keep. I'm such a sneaky thing.

*Big, bright grin*

Brandon calls me fruitcake. He's in my room right now, bitching about how all women suck and are evil. I laugh and say that all men suck and are evil. So hmm... maybe it's just people then, huh? Yeppa. That'sa whatsa I'm thinkin' eh.

Ooooh, Brandon says he found something nummy. Ramen noodles and canned chicken. Eeeeeewwwww... now canned chicken and mayo and red grapes and walnuts and celery on top of lettuce is nummyliscious. Food for gothies. Well, technically no. It's more like Sunday School food. Bleck. Sunday School food.. icky. Now we're talking tuna melts. Which is so bad because I am still in that almost throwing up sorta hangover sorta phase even now. Eeeewww.

But I feel so satisfied. As long as I don't smell any pineapple juice or anything that smells like pine trees or pizza, I don't think I'll puke. But now I must go and be sneaky with my old friend.. mwah-ha-ha! We are good!

Let Me Tell You...

Nobody can say that gothies don't have senses of humor. I can't stop laughing this evening. I have humor flowing out of my armpits, riding waves of sweat from my incessant laughing, giggling and snorting. I think that was Simon that said something correlating gothies and bad attitudes. Maybe not.

*Breaks off into laughter*

No.. no I can't finish this. I'm done... *Laughs* Too much for me tonight.

STILL Laughing..

Giggle, snort, laugh...

Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Still laughing

*Laughs*

"Small mammal with whom I live a lie."

*Laughs*

*Chokes on laughter*

*Collapses in a pile of giggling, snorting, gasping, snorting laughter*

Older Friends..

I realize now why most of my friends are a couple of years older than me, or, in some cases, decades...

They know so much more than I do...

I need so much help growing up..

Is this normal?

Pardon My Absence...

Road trip... heh... oh yes.. now, some may not believe that a road trip to Wisconsin could be fun... particularly when your only other company is your mom and your uncle, but let me tell you... it was great...

It was so much fun, in fact, that even our tour guide's jokes were funny...

"Now, coming up here, you'll see Fern Valley. You will notice why it is called Fern Valley... because it's a valley. Hee hee... no, folks, I'm just kidding, it's named after its many, many different types of ferns. The red fern, the green fern, the black fern, the polka dotted fern, the rarely seen invisible fern, the repeating fern, the repeating fern, the interrupting fern, the repeating fern..."

If you think that's funny enough to laugh about even a couple of days later, you know you've had a good time. Or are under the influence of some heavy-duty drugs... I go under the former category...

3:00 a.m..

It comes so quickly nowadays...

I'm becoming nocturnal... no more of this diurnal shit for me, oh no...

I much prefer the darkness... ees not so bad... you can see the stars, and hear the bats if you listen closely... it's a good time...

There is just not enough time at night...

Warning: Contains Hormones

Yep. You heard me.. hormonal... it's that catch-all phrase for anything that causes an adolescent, teen, or young adult to do something emotional, sexual, or stupid...

I, on the other hand, have an entirely different situation...

When healthy young adults are called hormonal, that usually means that they are suffering from the usual dose of hormones to affect this age-group. Not me. When I say I'm hormonal, it means that my hormonal level is higher than that of a pregnant horse.

Since I've hit puberty I've had problems with my hormones. My periods have been irregular. Sometimes they last for twice as long (in one case going for literally twenty-eight days... all heavy bleeding), sometimes they don't show up for a couple of months at a time (thankfully this was before my days of sexual activity), and always, always, I had mood swings.

One day, on going into work, I went into the grocery store with a smile on my face, happy to be alive, happy to exist... by the time I hit the punch-in clock I was sobbing hysterically, barely able to breathe through my crying and felt absolutely worthless... I didn't have the normal mood swing where I'd say something snotty to my mom and lock myself in my room for the evening... not even close. When it wasn't so bad, about halfway through my cycle (however that happened to be) I'd be a fairly decent human being and my friends would speak to me... the rest of the time? Not so much so. It did do occasional wonders to my sex drive (although looking back I would have spent all that sex drive home alone with my left hand on a good smut book and my right hand on... well, you get the idea...).

Although everyone wanted to diagnose it as something else (my school counselor called my parents and asked if I was on drugs, other people made suggestions such as 'crack whore' and 'schizo'.. and, because of my mom's condition, others thought I was bipolar), but I felt the connection of it to my hormone level...

And now, finally, after going through seven different types of hormones, and Deppo Provera and then going back off again, I've finally found the right combination of estrogen and umm.. I forget the other two... in a pill that suits me well...

These last two months, however, I've noticed my mood becoming more and more delicate... it's more easily switched from one thing to another... I'm afraid that my boding is changing again and my hormones need to change...

This makes me afraid... this makes me very afraid... but more than anything... anyone that knows me should be afraid...

Hotdog

I'm hungry for a hotdog... don't know why... I don't normally eat hotdogs, and know it sounds somehow perverse to ask for one...

I can't help it, though... I want one...

With ketchup... in a big, squishy, wheat bun...

And a cold can of Pepsi. (Now, I know nobody drinks Pepsi out there...)

And some cheese fries.

And some nachos.

And what they hey, it's my day off, let's throw in a hockey game, too...

*Gasp* Giddiness Wearing Off...

No!

I am now slightly less bouncy than before... I'm being introspective...

No! Make it stop! Make it stop!

Oh, I hate exclamation marks, I really do... now, ellipses-ellipses do it for me... is that spelled right?

Bah....

Brr.. it's cold..

And Suddenly It All Fits...

Ideas can come so suddenly, so randomly... it reminds me of the movie Turner and Hooch, how suddenly ideas can pop up in the strangest of times... in fact, I had to run to the computer and put this down...

But here's the deal.... I can't talk about it... see, because I had mentioned something about.. errr.. something... that was what opened the window to umm... some uh... other stuff happening...

I just wanted to say, "I get it now!" And, "Hmmmm... still can't stand it, can you? Still can't take it... can't be upstaged by a genuine person? Wow. That must really hurt... especially to know that I'm happy... that I have friends... that I have a wonderful, loving family... oh yeah, and that I don't have to change my entire life just to get back some guy that dumped me... or to try to get attention... funny... people like me for who I actually am... that must hurt a person like you."

Heheh...

*Smirks*

I know something you don't know... wanna play now?

Try harder next time... oh, and I blocked you... from e-mail this time, too. Not that I didn't thoroughly enjoy the e-mail you sent me... but umm.. hmmm... *block*

*Flips the bird*

All you're doing is showing me how much of a jealous and unhappy person you are... go ahead.. keep going... and keep telling yourself that you're a good person in the meantime... tonight I think this is fucking hilarious...

Goths And Non-Goths...

It charms me to no end to see goths and non-goths together. Everyone else has to admit that when they see somebody gothed out and somebody else wearing simple jeans and a t-shirt that they stop and think, "What the fuck?..." I do, too... even I wonder about it, and I've dated non-goths before, and have many friends that aren't goth... and to see two people who look like such total opposites holding hands and laughing as they walk down a street together.. now that... that makes me happy...

Just like that Dell commercial they showed years ago. Now please tell me everyone else saw it, too... with the goth girl? And if so, can anybody tell me where to find it online?

I can't help but think of my roommate through this first year of college... ha ha ha... Kat, the princess of the dark, and Olivia, the emo of all emos...

*Sighs*

Memories...

Now here is where I should tell some interesting little narrative to illustrate the comical differences between me and said roommate... but I won't...

Cell Phones..

Please, when using a cell phone in the library, please, please, for my sake at least, since I'm the only one that seems to hear it, shut off the sound and don't speak on it for a while... it just seems to make sense...

Also, people that disregard this will here-on-out be known as ass-suckers.

And uh... that's all for this posting...

Ow-Ow-Ow.. Gothies Playing Volleyball?

Apparently it happens, since I decided to play today.. just a weird, random, "Hey, sure, I haven't done that in years since they made me do it in gym class and I hated it and failed gym class, but what the fuck, go whack a ball over a net? Sure."

And I did... and I feel like I broke my wrist.. nothing special happened.. just my poor, frail, brittle little bird arms whacking the ball... there is a huge, red welt on my wrist that has developed into some mass that just kills...

Will to blog? Not so much. I'll come back later.

Sour Milk...

I opened my refrigerator this morning with the full intention of grabbing the milk and pouring it over a large bowl of cereal (Yes, I do cereal first and then milk. Anyone else do it differently?)... however, the moment before I started pouring I decided, on a whim, to check the date of expiration: July 21.. hmm.. ten days.. not eating that...

I looked inside...

It had the same skin across the top of the milk as pudding does once it cools...

Mmm.. pudding..

Oh, gross, the milk...

I almost drank it...

*shudders*

But that pudding sounded good... hmmm... I'm hungry...